Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
