Girls should come with a carfax report
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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