Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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