Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
