Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
