I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
jump out the window naked night went bad
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