I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
