I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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