This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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