oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
