I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
