So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Someone signed my nipple.
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