fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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