I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
