i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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