Pregnant stripper...not hot.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm getting married
To pizza
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
