My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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