I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm at about main and main street
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
