Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
