Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
