Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
