What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
