Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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