in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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