Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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