Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
