Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
