you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
