We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
