mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
