I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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