So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
