Jerry, you need to find god
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
