I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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