I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
