no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
