I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I smell like Dick and happiness
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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