I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
