you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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