at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
