just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
