T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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