what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
