i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
