sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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