come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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