Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
