Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
