My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
