I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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