oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Randomize
