if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
